Quest for Knighthood

Twenty miles, one hour, so begins the Sufferfest

"Challenge is a dragon with a gift in it's mouth. Tame the dragon and the gift is yours" - Noela Evans

The journey continues. It has been a little while since I was on the bike. I have not been physically feeling good the past few months and I have not been motivated to ride.  What could I do to help me to push myself to get on board and start riding again?

At 270lbs I am not a small guy. Most would say that I did not want to be on the bike because I was being lazy. Not so, I love cycling! I was doing well on the bike. I was losing weight, cardio was great, and I felt comfortable in the saddle, but there was no joy. Not wanting to think that I was being lazy or unmotivated I pushed myself to ride and all that helped me understand that I really was not enjoying myself.

Cycling is a very important part of my life. My father got me hooked on the sport as a child by taking me to the velodrome, going to races and riding together on our own. After his death when I was a teenager, cycling was the one thing besides photography that brought me comfort.  It is interesting that the two things that bring me peace, Photography and Cycling were the gifts my father gave to me and nurtured.

So what could I do to bring back the joy of cycling? I decided to go to the extreme. I would set some major goals to challenge myself.  I decided to do two major events this year (a Duathlon and a Triathlon) and earn my Knighthood next year. The duathlon and the triathlon are just the first two major stops along the way to reaching my ultimate goal of achieving Knighthood. 

(Yes, I said knighthood. Am I crazy, maybe)

I have accepted the quest to be a Knight of Sufferlandria. Ten Sufferfest workout videos in one day. Ten videos you say, no problem!

Last night was my first step towards this quest. I placed my dragon jersey and my full bike kit on to motivate me and I hopped on the bike for an hour.  The dragons on my jersey to me represent the guides to my goal. My goal is to be at 240lbs by July. I know it is not going to happen overnight but hopefully through this process as a squire I will see and feel the physical and emotional changes in myself and my life.

After being on the bike for an hour (didn't hurt as bad as I thought) I could feel the joy coming back.  I was not falling off the bike with joy but in the pain of the workout I felt a peace that I had not felt in a long time. The quest has been accepted, now it's time to earn the title!

I AM SOMEBODY

Looking west the sun sets behind Camden Yards baseball stadium home of the Baltimore Orioles. ©M. Dennis - 2012

Here we are second month, second day in the new year. We should be joyous in proclaiming the new year, but I can not. 2016 has arrived and we are still no closer to solving the problems of our earth, country, city or most of us our lives.  We kill each other everyday literally and physically by words or by weapons.  Self worth is a commodity that is almost non-existent.  Yes, I could go on and be negative about everything, I chose not to.

The world has it's problems but before I can comment about what is going on in the world, I have to check myself.  What have I done to make myself and my space in this world better. I don't mean giving all of your money away, or going on a pilgrimage. I don't mean going out to volunteer and do community service.  I mean starting with me and who I am as a person. You can't help others if your home is a wreak.

When I was first starting school I had a teacher, John Williams who would start the class by having all the students say, "I am, SOMEBODY".  The class would repeat this after the teacher three times before we started class.  This small statement was an affirmation to all of us that we were valuable, our lives were worth something. Little did I know how this statement would save my life and become a mantra for me.

"I am SOMEBODY" three words that speak life to your very soul. In a world where human life is not held sacred to others and more so we don't have enough self worth to hold our own lives sacred. "I am SOMEBODY" is a war cry to your very soul that you have worth and in hearing it from the mouths of others you see they have worth. In changing our world I believe that we have to believe that we are "SOMEBODY".  We have to believe that in claiming the self worth in ourselves we can and will acknowledge the lives and self worth of others.

Where does this revelation come from? I was diagnosed with Clinical Severe Depression many years ago.  I tried the medicine and it felt like I was in Alice and Wonderland or the Matrix. I tried therapy as well but the expense made it impossible to continue long term. I tried herbal remedies, self help books, meditation and a myriad of other "remedies". Nothing worked long term.  Everything was a short term fix. Most nights I am praying that I need to go to sleep and most mornings I am fighting to move my body. Everyday I feel like I am trying to keep my head above water with two broken arms and two broken legs. Yes, there are people in this world who are going through similar or worse problems. This is my space that I am trying to change. My life, my area in this world that I have direct control over. I have had those moments where I thought about ending my life and making the drowning stop. I have thought about giving up and saying "To hell with this"!

I can't. "I am SOMEBODY"! 

This voyage that is my life that I have been on is interesting.  My photography has been the only constant remedy that keeps my mind together. Taking what I see and capturing these moments in life helps me see where I have been and where I need to be going. In capturing those moments I have to find the light and understand how it affects my subject. I have to look for the light, sometimes search for the light. Only when I am able to find the light am I able to understand the final photograph. 

I can not change the world, we can not change the world until me and we accept and understand who we are as individuals. Proclaim our self worth and make our personal affirmation of life. I will make the effort to find peace in my life.  I will make the effort to not be swallowed up and feel overwhelmed. I will fight the darkness when it envelopes me. I will rest on my mantra "I AM SOMEBODY" and know it is the safe haven I can use to seek the light.

Per tenebras lucem quaero. 
Through darkness, I seek the light.

Forgot

2010...

It has been so long since I stepped into this realm. It has been months, no years since we last crossed paths. So much has happened.

Time does fly when you are having fun or doing something that you love to do.

Just a moment to acknowledge I found you (finally).

Forgotten, nevermore.

Mine is Better than Yours!!!!

Canon, Nikon, Hasselbad, Pentax the list goes on and on.

So many times I hear the classic fight of who is better what format is better. Sitting in the coffee shop or walking down the street, the battles rage on and on. Even I have participated in these gladitorial camera events (much to my shame).

Yes, I am a Canon man. There are many things that about the product that I like, which has caused me to sell various organs to pay for lenses, camera bodies and accessories. I have friends who have Nikon systems and they feel strongly about there brand. There are people who use pinhole cameras to give us images more thought provoking that a $30,000 camera system. I have even seen photographers who use cell phones! What does it matter?

Someone said to me "I can see how and why photography has become a great passion for you or anyone who sees the world through a viewfinder . Its our contribution and isn't it wonderful that we are put on this earth to do something other can breathe! I say bravo to us!"

Think about that for a second. No matter what we use Nikon, Canon, Coffee Can, Nokia or shoe box, we have a passion that causes us to reach into our souls to create something. Something that we see, something that we feel. What does it matter what we use to create our work.

The next time you see yourself headed to the arena about "Mine is Better than Yours", ask the question instead, "What did you shoot today?"

071807 - Long Day named Tired

071807 - Day Two - Good Morning, originally uploaded by M Dot.

Tired. That is what today was called. The alarm went off at 5:30AM (0530). I looked at the alarm turned it off and crawled back into bed.

The rest of the day was just a blur, like some abstract painting or photograph. It is funny when you ask yourself what day it is instead of wht time it is.

Time for me to go. Hopefully to find that mythical place called Good Night.

The Valediction of a Friend

Taking Time (Part Two), originally uploaded by Leepak.

Taking Time (Part Two)

Sometimes I look at my watch
And wish I could stop time, but I can't
Cause time is God's tool, to determine.
Every thing grows, and also dies
Can time suffer and also die?
Is time flat? Or is time round?
Where is time? Can time be found?
Is time there with each beat of my heart?
Was time there from the very start?
Is time bound? Or is time free?
Is time that, what is meant to be?
I can't say yes or no cause God
Is only the one who knows…

-- LHB 2007

I think time is needed to recharge my batteries...and my passion. :o)

val·e·dic·tion
n.
1. An act of bidding farewell; a leave-taking.
2. A speech or statement made as a farewell.


The return, tonight, tomorrow, when? Who knows?

The valediction was made tonight at 7:11PM. Shock, dispair and a miriad of thoughts and emotions flood my mind. I am not a writer, someone to send you on a ride of thoughts and words to explain what is happening.

I am a friend, who speaks his mind. A friend, who is hurt. A friend, who longs for the abundant thoughts and photos of someone dear to his heart.

DO I know when she will return? No, I do not. DO I know IF she will return? No, I do not. She and God will decide. Only then, in the return, we all can be certain.

Batteries are strange, sometimes they charge rapidly and are back in action quickly. Sometimes they charge slowly and you have to wait. No matter what the length of time, you have to wait.

I will wait, we all will wait.


I close with this:

Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.
-- From Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 185)

It Begins.....

What to say? You have to begin somewhere. What I am I going to use this blog for? Where do I plan to be mentally as I write? I do not know.

I have read plenty of blogs before to get an idea of what I want to do. Some of them were amazing!! Yet others were incoherent (for me). They speak of everything from working on a house, falling in love, taking photographs (not pictures) to literary prose.

What to say? I have begun with something, and I still need to trust my soul to find what I want to do with this blog. Correct English, proper grammar. I don't care. I am not trying to impress you with this new thing in my life that is a blog.

What to say? I am slowly but with understanding going to that place in my soul. That place were I know what I want to do with this blog.

True Light Photography. That is me, that is my life that is my passion. Walk with me? Learn with me? Pray with me? Cry with me? Let us grow in this together.

I finally know what to say. It begins......


"Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to me".